How to Shoot a Gun

I must apologize to all those who are all for total gun control. This concept does not exist in Alaska. Besides, everyone should shoot a gun at some point in their life. Even if purely for the experience. There a few things that will make the experience nothing less than awesome.

A. Find a rugged Alaska man who is willing to take you shooting. Preferable with a manly, biblical name like Zachary.
B. Find your most outdoorsy pair of heels. Obviously, the heels are necessary. But you will be trudging through some pretty rough terrain; so outdoorsy heels are a must. No more than 3".
C. Get a bad-ass gun. It is not necessary to know anything about guns - if you don't understand type or caliber, do not fret. That's what the rugged Alaskan man is for. All you need to know is: if it looks like a shot-gun, it's bad-ass.
D. Wear plenty of make-up. You must look your best for target practice.
E. When you set yourself up to take a shot, aim perfectly at the target. At the last minute, close your eyes and shoot. Hopefully, you will hit something. Preferably the target.
F. Do not show any emotion when the gun kicks back and feels like it's tearing off your entire shoulder and arm. You can bandage your horrific bruise when you get home. For now, be tough.
G. When you get cold, hand the gun over the men, and sit in the car to warm up. Definitely ok. After all, you cannot wear socks with those heels. You will get cold.
H. When it's time to check the target, run all the way across the field trying not twist your ankle and fall to your death in your 3" heels.

When all is said and done (even though you shot with your eyes closed) you will be shocked to realize that you hit the target at least once (if not twice)!  Jump up and down in your ecstasy and afterward go see Harry Potter to celebrate. Victory will be yours.

You will look something like this (no need to tell me how bad ass this looks - I already know):

How to Have the Perfect Thanksgiving (2010)

There are many steps to your perfect Thanksgiving.  Today you are going to learn what those steps are.  Listen close and pay attention.

1. Invite many many people.  They will all accept and then at the last minute, they will back out.
2. Make a list of all your must-have dishes. Example: turkey, gravy, stuffing, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, and some kind of dessert (pumpkin souffle, anyone?)
3. The night before, go get your ingredients. Forget half your ingredients.  When you get home, do not put the ice cream in the freezer. When you find the ice cream, place it in the freezer in the ice despenser so that it can melt all over your ice despenser and break it.
4. Late the next morning, go out to get the rest of your forgotten ingredients. Do not put the turkey in the oven. Come home late.
5. Rush to put your turkey in the oven. Because you are late, you will half-ass it. This is totally acceptable.
6. When you hear a sizzling sound, open the oven. Step back when the sparks shoot out. Step further away when the fire billows out. Watch from afar as your entire oven burns to a useless metal chunk. Remove partly cooked turkey, partly baked casseroles, and half way done corn bread.
7. Stand around your kitchen, scratch your head, and stare at our food in bewilderment. Again, totally acceptable.
8. Then you will have a brilliant idea: grill the turkey! When the turkey catches on fire inside the grill, remove it.
9. Once your downstairs neighbor leaves, take the turkey to their apartment. Ignore the bulldog. Until it tries to attack you. Then get the hell out, leaving the oven on, and the turkey on the counter. Once you realize that you never managed to put the turkey in the oven, lure the dog out with a large piece of meat (another dog), place the turkey in the oven, and lure the dog back into his apartment, dodging his attempted attacks.
10. Bake all side dishes in your toaster oven. This will take about twice as long as it should. While waiting, call the 2 guests you were supposed to have over, and cancel dinner altogether.
11. Go out and buy 2 rotisserie chickens, make mashed potatoes from a box (over stirring so that you can toss around the rubber mass after dinner), bring all of your undercooked casseroles and overcooked stuffing to the table and enjoy!  Follow this with a gooey (under sweetened) pumpkin souffle that never rose and the cheap ice cream you managed to get from the gas station nearby.
12. Bring your tough, dry turkey back upstairs (avoiding the dog) and store it outside in the grill. Because you have no room in your refrigerator.  And it's so cold outside, it will keep your turkey at a frigid temperature.

Fool-proof every time. Happy Thanksgiving.

How to Travel to a Foreign Country...or Alaska

Hello All - After a nice 18 hour day of travel, I have arrived safely in AK.  Being home reminds me of a few things: it's cold, my mom's cooking is amazing, and the people here are not interesting.  What is interesting, however, are the things that could happen to a person while traveling.  Good stories are essential in having an amazing travel experience.  Of course, everyone needs a few tips on how to make the most of their time spent abroad...or, in certain cases, Alaska.  Pretty much the same thing.  This has been done in collaboration with a couple of friends.  I have stolen nothing - their identities are revealed through names they themselves have chosen .

1. Two days before setting out for the unknown, lose your debit card.  You will have no access to cash, and you will be have to be very creative with how you buy anything...including gas to get you to the airport.
2. Cancel your lost debit card (see above).  Get someone to lend you some cash, and you're ready to head out! On your way to the airport, casually clean off your passenger seat (while paying attention to the road) - there is a good chance that as you're sorting through your things, you will find your lost debit card.  In your moment of victory, you will realize this card is now useless.  Because 12 hours ago you cancelled it.
3. When at the airport, give them a suitcase that is overweight.  Then on to the awkward "reallocation" of items so that your handbag is far too heavy and your checked bag is exactly 50lbs.  The most important part is that when you open your suitcase, your unmentionables should scatter everywhere for all frustrated passengers who have to wait for you to see.  Ignore all giggles and pointing figures.
4. Do not pay attention to any signs ever, and leave when you're all checked in.  When you hear the running footsteps behind you, stop.  Someone is probably running after you to tell you that you left your suitcase!  Give them a look of confusion.  Then will point to a huge sign: Leave checked bags here. Return to even more outraged people who still had to wait for you, and take your suitcase to the correct drop-off location.
5.  Let them scan your entire body.  Right as they are scanning you, move your left foot.  When they rescan you, move your left foot again.  When they rescan you for the third time, don't move a muscle.  When you come out of the scanner, they will still only pat down your left leg...little do they know that you probably hide all weapons in your right leg.
6. Go to a country where you are different and considered "evil looking."  Maybe China.  There is a good chance they will follow your every move, plant someone outside your apartment to watch you every day, and one day, will arrest you.  They will take you to a sketchy place where a sketchy man will pull out a gargantuan folder of your life, and will question you.  But no worries, after about 5 or 6 hours, someone is bound to come get you.
7.  When in a country like China, go explore!  Find a travel company that is willing to take you on a short roadtrip (that will become twice as long as it was supposed to be) and make sure there is NO gas along the way.  Because some countries just run out of gas at inopportune moments.  It happens.  In all likelihood, the driver will not know what a GPS is, or a compass.  So they will obviously let the stars guide their way.  Until the clouds set in.  Then you will be lost in the middle of Inner Mongolia.  So, lost in no man's land.  That is until the Mongolians on horses and motorcycles arrive hours later to rescue you.
8.  Offered by M-Cat: When traveling to a foreign country (or Hawaii) with your boyfriend's family, go swimming and innocently get stuck in the current/waves.  The water will be tossing you around so violently, you may lose your bathing suit.  Instead of trying to keep from drowning, just make sure you hang on to your bathing suit as your boyfriend and his family worriedly look on.  You will not die - maybe a little from embarrassment.  To take away a little of that embarrassment, do not wear enough sunscreen that day.  The next day you will wake up with blisters and boils all over your face from the sunburn.  You won't even remember that you almost died naked in front of your boyfriend's 6 family members. (Shout out to P-Cat, M-Cat's mother.  Your offspring is priceless.  This story proves it.  Thanks for the hard work, and for building a guest house so she can move home.  She's really excited about it. Lots of love!)
9. Offered by M-Dawg: When studying abroad, find a cute local man who can show you around the city…strictly by motorcycle. He’ll tell you to meet him for tacos and the two of you will gallivant around day and night on your own little motorcycle escapade, regardless of the fact that it will probably lead to your termination from the program.  
10.  Offered by Ghost Writer: Traveling with your father guarantees you a good laugh and a wave of embarrassment. Especially on family vacays. While you sweat up a storm because you're bundled up in North Face jackets and snow boots ready to face the harsh winter, your father will overeagerly corral you into your seat. At this point, you will notice that the plane is filled with canoodling couples and college spring breakers decked out in cargo shorts and Teva sandals. At this moment, DO NOT speak up. It is not until the flight attendant closes the door and announces over the loudspeaker, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Delta flight 886 non-stop to Cancun, Mexico” that your father’s jaw will drop. He will then unbuckle his seatbelt and book it to the front of the plane, only to find out that the flight to Denver had already taken off. He will return to his seat and turning to you, will shrug his shoulders and, flashing you an embarrassed grin, say, “Guess we need to go shopping.”


You will know your trip has been successful if you return with a spoon carved from a single piece of wood.  Which you carved and which you will proudly show to all who care.  Well done, Hyme.  If a large piece of wood is not available for spoon making, 10lbs of frozen salmon, and shrimp will also do.  


Nowmi Joon signing off from the Last Frontier.  Happy travels, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!  


Teaser - Coming up: How to Have the Perfect Thanksgiving

How to Destroy Your Car in One Year or Less:

Something about which I have become an expert.  It is quite a mystery as to why.  Luckily, I can pass my acquired knowledge on to you.  This is expertise I have gained through blood (literally), sweat (literally), and tears (quite literally).  You're welcome.

1.  When driving on an icy road, assure that you take a sharp turn too fast for the conditions in which you find yourself.  You will likely slide off the road, into a gutter, and pop a tire.

2.   When changing a tire (see above), do a terrible job jacking up the car (preferably on a slight tilt in the road).  This will assure that the instability will cause the car to topple off the jack and at the same time assure that the jack rips the siding off your car.

3.       Drive on the spare for at least two weeks.

4.       Once you have gotten a new tire, go home late in the dark, get stuck in the worst traffic ever, and ram into the car in front of you as you attempt to change lanes.  Be sure not to pick up your bumper from the middle of the freeway - instead have the police officer bring it to you as he writes you a $90 ticket.

5.       It is preferable that steps 1-4 be done with the company car.  That way, you will have to enter your office, head hung low, and tell HR that you have crashed said company’s car.  This will lead to the whole office knowing in a matter of seconds – shaming you even more.

6.       Lend your car to a friend, and have her hit a meter while trying to park your car in the smallest spot possible. 

7.       When you park your car, make sure you park in the tightest and darkest parking garage in a 10 mile radius.  You must also go to painstaking efforts to get into the smallest spots left that happen to be closest to the door.  This is will guarantee a run-in with a concrete posts at least once.

8.       When entering a Whole Foods parking lot, park in the #1 spot.  This will lead to two things: sheer joy at having found THE BEST spot at Whole Foods during peak shopping hours, and the fact that you have just cut someone off who was waiting for that glorious spot.  Enter the store assuring that you allow ample time for revenge.  When you return to your car, it will have been keyed all along the driver’s side.  Don’t bother calling the police because they are useless.

9.       Drive exhaustedly through a dark forest in the middle of the night and turn sharply.  There is a good chance you will scrape against the wooden post that no one on earth could have possible seen.

10.   When driving to work at 8am, DO NOT hit the car in front of you that just cut you off.  Instead, break.  This will give you a false sense of security because your amazing reflexes just prevented an accident in the middle of a busy intersection during rush hour.  However, in all likelihood, this is not the case.  Because about 2 seconds later, someone in a brand new, beautiful Audi, who works for the US government, will crash into your rear.  

So there you have it: how to ruin your car in one year or less.  Fool proof.  On a side note, when people have the audacity to ask you WHY you are such a bad driver, give them a look of utter confusion/disdain, and move along your merry way.

Ghost Writer

I think it is time to share a little more about Ghost Writer.  As mentioned earlier, she is my muse.  She pushes me to share details of my life that I would rather brush under the rug.  She made me realize that these stories need to be told.  You can thank her for the making me who I am today.  A few short facts about GW:

- She is somewhere between 10 and 70 years of age.  

- She shares my love of many things.  Including food and the midwest.  The latter may or may not be a figment of my imagination - I figure I love the midwest so much, she must also.

- Her voluptuous hair falls oh so lovingly somewhere below her ears.

- She is a spectacular writer.  Her stories are epic - in a deep, meaningful, beautiful kind of way.  The exact opposite of my kind of writing.

But I think it is only fair to now allow her to introduce herself to you.  Side note: I have no control over what goes into this mini bio.  All creativity was left up to GW.  She may be completely truthful, a total liar, or a shameless embellisher.  However, regardless of how she chooses to write this paragraph, it is an indication of her ingenuity and a true window into who she really is or imagines herself to be.  Here, there is no difference between the two.

Ghost Writer: who am I?

Ghost Writer here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Great Falls’ elite.

And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell. You know you love me.

Xoxo, Ghost Writer

 PS - I'm kind of a big deal.  I have many leather bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. 

How to Make Your Fellow Love You - Forever and Always

I live with a host family.  As juvenile as that sounds, it happens when you take a job that requires you to slave away for little to no money.   I believe, however, that I may have the best arrangement of any fellow: I discovered my VA family.  This came about rather later than expected.  I moved to Virginia in July 2009 and did not meet them until February 2010.  I did not like them until March 2010.  I did not love them until Mid March 2010.  I did not move in with them until August 2010.  I was a not a permanent year long resident until November 2010.  In these months, however, I have fallen in love.  I have fallen in love with their generosity, their humor, their acceptance of my foibles, and their oddly unconditional love despite my foibles.

So this is an ode to Houty and the Blow Fish and their Offspring.  One way or another they are my cousins (I will not go into detail as to how - something about how one mother is almost first cousins with a grandmother that is actually sisters with an aunt of a great grandmother) and they have slowly won my heart...how?  Listen and learn.

- Bringing me fresh, hot, Persian tea when I'm working late in my room
- Boiling me a perfect, organic egg every day for work with a heart drawn on it
- Leaving me alone when I'm being antisocial
- Endlessly entertaining me when I'm being all too social
- Not making fun of me when I have a smelly mask on my face, am heating up my lip wax in the microwave, eating the dog's food out of the fridge that they cook so lovingly for him weekly, or when I'm drinking apple cider vinegar because my facialist told me it would help my stomach.
- Opening their doors to my "off the market friends," to my engaged friends, to my married friends, and to the awkward friends I constantly bring home.  And after all that, accepting my eternal "singleness," and not thinking less of me for it.
- Feeding me all the time.  When I'm not hungry, when I am, when I'm annoyed, and when I'm out joyed.  Food always plays a roll when it comes to my emotional state.  The lesson they learned the hard way, I fear.
- Listening to my many mannnny stories.  More importantly, sympathizing with me when listening to my many mannnny stories (even if I don't deserve it).
- Going into the city late on a Friday night to meet my friends, make them laugh, and buy me falafel AND french fries
- Giving me free rein over the kitchen...and kindly reminding me to leave it squeaky clean.
- Leaving toilet paper outside my closed door (closed because of the constant state of disaster it is in, to which Houty and Blow Fish say nothing) stacked into the shape of a pyramid because they're just cute like that.
- Buying me skim milk when I am the ONLY member of the household who likes it
- Spending 4 hours in one night washing, peeling, cooking, and mashing 10 potatoes for my damn Shepherd's Pie that I thoughtlessly said I would  make for my office party the next day.
- Driving me to Feast when I reallllly don't want to go.
- Supporting me through everything.

I love you, Blow Fish.  I love you, Houty.  I love you, Offspring.  You make my life more exciting, more liveable, and more manageable than I ever thought possible.  More importantly, you inspire me every day.  To eat more, to laugh at everything, to speak louder, to sleep less, to be home earlier, and know that when I do leave work I have a wonderful home to leave to.  In return, I promise to invite you to my hypothetical wedding - a big commitment for me, as you well know.

Teaser - Up Next: How to Destroy Your Car in One Year or Less - and special Mini Bio from Ghost Writer!

How to Win Friends...and Influence People

The title of a bestselling book, but also something I have struggled with for...well, always.  After 23 excruciating years of me embarrassing my family and myself, pissing people off, and being a member of the "reject crowd," I finally learned a couple tricks of the trade on how to get people to like you.

1. Be born in Alaska to a Spanish mother, a Persian father, and perfect older brother.  All sure to make you intriguing before you even strike up a conversation!

2. Become an expert on something ie whales.  "Ask me anything about whales."  Great conversation starter and makes you seem like you know something that no one else outside of biology majors or Alaskans/Russians (interchangeable terms since Palin became famous) would know anything about!

3. Sound smart.  Example, read the first paragraph of an article most people would not have read.  Then, at an opportune moment, let everyone know that you read said article (no big deal) and you know how that relates to everyday life.  Again, no big deal.  You are breezy and just naturally brilliant.

4. Be funny.  No need to be a stand-up comedian.  Just be sarcastic, inappropriate, and laugh yourself...a lot.

5. FILTER - if you feel the sudden urge to tell a really embarrassing story about your parents to a room full of strangers, don't.  If you want to tell an inappropriate fact to your 12 year old tennis partner's mother (while your mother is there), don't.  If you want to share with your whole high school one your friend's deepest secrets, don't.  If you would like to yell at your 2nd grade teacher because they are "not your mother," don't.  I could go on and on and on.  Just...don't do it.

5. Convince people that you are related to a high-up EPA government official.  This will make you seem important, well connected, and green all at the same time.  Sure winner.  Thanks BF!

6. Connect yourself to really cool sounding people.  Example: a brother who is a genius going to a top law school who gets stellar jobs in both DC and AK when the job market is at its worst, a great friend who is at the top medical school in the country, a couple of realllllly funny friends who make you seem like you're funny because they are willing to hang out with you, a really good looking group of family and friends, and have people you can call friends (even if they're just aqcuaintances) who are stragecally placed all over world - this last one makes you seem more sophisticated, lively, and worldly.

7.  Have parents who are willing to suffer to teach you their native languages.  When you casually slip in the fact that you speak 3 languages fluently (even that's stretching the truth) or that you have studied 2 more (even if you could not have a conversation in those languages to save your life), you just seem realllllly smart.

8. Laugh and smile a lot.  Something I did not do until well into my junior year of high school.  My friend group jumped from maybe 2 to 5 in a cool month.

9.  Wear makeup, shower, and brush your hair.  Definite crowd pleaser.

10.  Work at an NGO that is slaving away to save the world.  You cannot go wrong with this.  Once you share that, you become generous, selfless, well informed, and awesome all at once. (Example of a shameless plug: check out www.tahirih.org  - Working to save all immigrant women from evil)

Teaser - Coming Up: How to Make Your Fellow Love You

How to Start A Blog

Hello friends, foes, and family alike!  I would like to introduce you all to the "Blog on How to do Everything...Well."  As most of you know, my life is filled with ups, downs, and ridiculousies (a word I am working on patenting as we speak).  This is the place to share those experiences and how to get 'em done.  Everything from surviving a year in a stranger's home, to begging your newly discovered relatives to house you AND feed you for a year (after deserting said stranger's home), to getting your car keyed in a Whole Foods Parking lot, to getting coworkers to love you (and hate you), to starting your own culinary revolutions!  All these and more will be shared in great detail so that, if you wish, you may try to emulate "Nowmi's Life" and make yours a little more interesting.  Please feel free to share ideas with me since my life is so eventful and my memory so poor, I cannot keep all these events clear in my head.  Let the ideas, "ridiculousies," and awesomeness that is going to be this little adventure begin!!

On a side note, I owe this grand idea to one person out of very few in my life who inspires me.  My muse, if you will.  She will be, in a manner of speaking, cowriting this with me by empowering me to share the most embarrassing things that could befall a person. She will remain anonymous because she's just too awesome to expose to the world.  She will be known as "Ghost Writer," and she is the woman behind the woman.  Love you, GW!!

Peace and Love to you all - yours truly,

Nowmi BSF Ill-Ham Joon.

Teaser - Up Next: How to Make Friends...and Influence People