How to Destroy Your Car in One Year or Less:

Something about which I have become an expert.  It is quite a mystery as to why.  Luckily, I can pass my acquired knowledge on to you.  This is expertise I have gained through blood (literally), sweat (literally), and tears (quite literally).  You're welcome.

1.  When driving on an icy road, assure that you take a sharp turn too fast for the conditions in which you find yourself.  You will likely slide off the road, into a gutter, and pop a tire.

2.   When changing a tire (see above), do a terrible job jacking up the car (preferably on a slight tilt in the road).  This will assure that the instability will cause the car to topple off the jack and at the same time assure that the jack rips the siding off your car.

3.       Drive on the spare for at least two weeks.

4.       Once you have gotten a new tire, go home late in the dark, get stuck in the worst traffic ever, and ram into the car in front of you as you attempt to change lanes.  Be sure not to pick up your bumper from the middle of the freeway - instead have the police officer bring it to you as he writes you a $90 ticket.

5.       It is preferable that steps 1-4 be done with the company car.  That way, you will have to enter your office, head hung low, and tell HR that you have crashed said company’s car.  This will lead to the whole office knowing in a matter of seconds – shaming you even more.

6.       Lend your car to a friend, and have her hit a meter while trying to park your car in the smallest spot possible. 

7.       When you park your car, make sure you park in the tightest and darkest parking garage in a 10 mile radius.  You must also go to painstaking efforts to get into the smallest spots left that happen to be closest to the door.  This is will guarantee a run-in with a concrete posts at least once.

8.       When entering a Whole Foods parking lot, park in the #1 spot.  This will lead to two things: sheer joy at having found THE BEST spot at Whole Foods during peak shopping hours, and the fact that you have just cut someone off who was waiting for that glorious spot.  Enter the store assuring that you allow ample time for revenge.  When you return to your car, it will have been keyed all along the driver’s side.  Don’t bother calling the police because they are useless.

9.       Drive exhaustedly through a dark forest in the middle of the night and turn sharply.  There is a good chance you will scrape against the wooden post that no one on earth could have possible seen.

10.   When driving to work at 8am, DO NOT hit the car in front of you that just cut you off.  Instead, break.  This will give you a false sense of security because your amazing reflexes just prevented an accident in the middle of a busy intersection during rush hour.  However, in all likelihood, this is not the case.  Because about 2 seconds later, someone in a brand new, beautiful Audi, who works for the US government, will crash into your rear.  

So there you have it: how to ruin your car in one year or less.  Fool proof.  On a side note, when people have the audacity to ask you WHY you are such a bad driver, give them a look of utter confusion/disdain, and move along your merry way.