How to Have the Perfect Thanksgiving (2010)

There are many steps to your perfect Thanksgiving.  Today you are going to learn what those steps are.  Listen close and pay attention.

1. Invite many many people.  They will all accept and then at the last minute, they will back out.
2. Make a list of all your must-have dishes. Example: turkey, gravy, stuffing, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, and some kind of dessert (pumpkin souffle, anyone?)
3. The night before, go get your ingredients. Forget half your ingredients.  When you get home, do not put the ice cream in the freezer. When you find the ice cream, place it in the freezer in the ice despenser so that it can melt all over your ice despenser and break it.
4. Late the next morning, go out to get the rest of your forgotten ingredients. Do not put the turkey in the oven. Come home late.
5. Rush to put your turkey in the oven. Because you are late, you will half-ass it. This is totally acceptable.
6. When you hear a sizzling sound, open the oven. Step back when the sparks shoot out. Step further away when the fire billows out. Watch from afar as your entire oven burns to a useless metal chunk. Remove partly cooked turkey, partly baked casseroles, and half way done corn bread.
7. Stand around your kitchen, scratch your head, and stare at our food in bewilderment. Again, totally acceptable.
8. Then you will have a brilliant idea: grill the turkey! When the turkey catches on fire inside the grill, remove it.
9. Once your downstairs neighbor leaves, take the turkey to their apartment. Ignore the bulldog. Until it tries to attack you. Then get the hell out, leaving the oven on, and the turkey on the counter. Once you realize that you never managed to put the turkey in the oven, lure the dog out with a large piece of meat (another dog), place the turkey in the oven, and lure the dog back into his apartment, dodging his attempted attacks.
10. Bake all side dishes in your toaster oven. This will take about twice as long as it should. While waiting, call the 2 guests you were supposed to have over, and cancel dinner altogether.
11. Go out and buy 2 rotisserie chickens, make mashed potatoes from a box (over stirring so that you can toss around the rubber mass after dinner), bring all of your undercooked casseroles and overcooked stuffing to the table and enjoy!  Follow this with a gooey (under sweetened) pumpkin souffle that never rose and the cheap ice cream you managed to get from the gas station nearby.
12. Bring your tough, dry turkey back upstairs (avoiding the dog) and store it outside in the grill. Because you have no room in your refrigerator.  And it's so cold outside, it will keep your turkey at a frigid temperature.

Fool-proof every time. Happy Thanksgiving.