Monday, April 25, 2011
How to Have a Good Old Chuckle.
A sure way to bring yourself some late night giggles? Peruse YouTube.com, of course. Not all of us have time to sort through an infinite amount of videos, however. So here I bring you some of my favorites. Some are PC, some have questionable language, and all are perfect for a good laugh. Make sure you watch them all at some point in your life; they will do you good. Please note: swagger is super important, identity theft is no laughing matter, double rainbows are not THAT cool, flight is truly a miracle, and, yes, I do want a cookie. Enjoy.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
How to lose friends.
Say something like this:
"I am drunk on LOVE
"I am drunk on LOVE
high on LIFE
intoxicated on JOY
euphoric on GRATITUDE"
All the miserable people around you do not need to know how perfect your life is - yes, I AM one of those people. And, it's more than likely, they (I) will just think you've been taking happy pills. Trust me - better to act miserable if you want people (me) to like you.
Another friendly tip from yours truly!! Until next time. Xoxo.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
How to ensure you go home alone.
You're a male who is out on the town...you approach a cutie and tell her she is looking "super fly."
Do you stand a chance at possible going home with her? Definitely not.
You have successfully made sure that you are going to spend the evening alone. Well done.
I dedicate this post to all the lame white boys in the world who think using the term "super fly" is in any way acceptable. Thank you for making the world a little more amusing.
Do you stand a chance at possible going home with her? Definitely not.
You have successfully made sure that you are going to spend the evening alone. Well done.
I dedicate this post to all the lame white boys in the world who think using the term "super fly" is in any way acceptable. Thank you for making the world a little more amusing.
Friday, March 25, 2011
How to Bake...
the healthiest muffins ever. I write this post as an attempt to balance my last. Because, contrary to what that cookie may imply, I actually try to be healthy and aware of the fact that butter, flour, chocolate, more chocolate, and lots and lots of sugar are not necessarily conducive to a healthy lifestyle. So I tried my hand at some seriously hearty muffins - Whole Wheat Carrot Apple Flax Muffins! Practically fat free. They look scary, but they're actually quite delicious. Do not skimp on the sugar, it will only work against you.
- Mix 1 cup whole wheat flour, 1/2cup white flour (use all white flour for a better rise and less density), 3/4 cup oat bran, 3/4 cup ground flax seeds, 1 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup white sugar, 2tsp baking soda, 1tsp baking powder, 2tsp Cinnamon, and 1/2tsp salt -- mix well
- to your dry ingredients add 1 and 1/2 cups shredded carrots as well as two shredded apples, you may add dry fruit and nuts as desired. I used currents (soaked in vanilla) and walnuts.
- What are the wet ingredients? Glad you asked. Usually it would take vanilla, milk and two eggs. However, I am currently vegan. Why you ask? Well, I have no good answer to that. I just am. Deal with it.
- I digress, my apologies. Wet ingredients the vegan way: 1cup almond milk, 1/2cup apple sauce (egg can also be replaced with 1/2 mashed banana or 1/2cup pumpkin)
- Mix it all together and bake! Bake for about 40-50 minutes at 350 degrees.
A few things to note - I was dangerously close to deeming these the biggest muffin fail ever. As it turned out, however, they were quite a success. Just be patient and let them do their thing. They will look scary because they don't really rise...you'll just have to trust me on this one. To assist those who need visual aids, please see below.
Picture #2 I have added for good measure. You have heard me speak of Off Spring. Well world, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Off Spring, my little brother for all intents and purposes, baking his first batch of brownies ever. He made us all proud.
- Mix 1 cup whole wheat flour, 1/2cup white flour (use all white flour for a better rise and less density), 3/4 cup oat bran, 3/4 cup ground flax seeds, 1 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup white sugar, 2tsp baking soda, 1tsp baking powder, 2tsp Cinnamon, and 1/2tsp salt -- mix well
- to your dry ingredients add 1 and 1/2 cups shredded carrots as well as two shredded apples, you may add dry fruit and nuts as desired. I used currents (soaked in vanilla) and walnuts.
- What are the wet ingredients? Glad you asked. Usually it would take vanilla, milk and two eggs. However, I am currently vegan. Why you ask? Well, I have no good answer to that. I just am. Deal with it.
- I digress, my apologies. Wet ingredients the vegan way: 1cup almond milk, 1/2cup apple sauce (egg can also be replaced with 1/2 mashed banana or 1/2cup pumpkin)
- Mix it all together and bake! Bake for about 40-50 minutes at 350 degrees.
A few things to note - I was dangerously close to deeming these the biggest muffin fail ever. As it turned out, however, they were quite a success. Just be patient and let them do their thing. They will look scary because they don't really rise...you'll just have to trust me on this one. To assist those who need visual aids, please see below.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
How to Bake...
The fattiest cookies ever. That's right. These cookies are not cookies, they are monsters. Imagine a brownie. Now imagine said brownie filling not one, but two chocolate chip cookies layered on top of each other. Outcome? A brownie stuffed chocolate chip cookie the size of your entire hand. Now imagine opening such a gooey delicious concoction. That is what I will be doing this weekend. Thanks to my good friend Lauren I got my hands on this recipe and am going to make them ASAP!
1. buy a double chocolate brownie mix and prepare as directed
2. make a lot of chocolate chip cookie dough. the best recipe you have. double it.
3. take one scoopful of dough, flatten a bit, and set one small brownie in the middle (brownies should be cooled and cut into 1 1/2 inch squares)
4. Set another scoop of cookie dough on top
5. Fold the dough over the brownie so it is enclosed in the dough
6. Bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes
7. it will look something like this:
Picture brought to you by picky-palate.com. Now who doesn't want a little piece of that heaven? Come on by this weekend and you may just get to try it too! Thank you Picky Palate. Where would I be without you? See full recipe here: http://tinyurl.com/69hwxdr
1. buy a double chocolate brownie mix and prepare as directed
2. make a lot of chocolate chip cookie dough. the best recipe you have. double it.
3. take one scoopful of dough, flatten a bit, and set one small brownie in the middle (brownies should be cooled and cut into 1 1/2 inch squares)
4. Set another scoop of cookie dough on top
5. Fold the dough over the brownie so it is enclosed in the dough
6. Bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes
7. it will look something like this:
Monday, February 21, 2011
How to Avoid Embarrassing Blogs.
This is a rule that every blogger should learn: edit edit edit. That is why I thought it essential to compile a list of things that should never be shared on a blog. Therefore, they are not being shared, they are being used as "guidelines." These are stories I have (probably) heard and (probably) never experienced myself. There are just some things I would never admit to on a blog...
1. While at work, in the middle of the day, in the middle of your office, with your door open, you took off your bra.
2. You have had a gym membership for two years that you use once a month...for the sauna.
3. You got so drunk at *that* party that you used the window instead of the door. And got stuck.
4. You stalked your crush on Facebook for a solid month.
5. You sharted in your girlfriend's car. In the driver's seat.
6. You spent your working-at-home day tweeting/facebooking/blogging.
7. You only go to the gym so you can "accidently" run into the hot fitness trainer.
8. You only pretend to like yoga.
9. You spent an entire paycheck at Anthropologie. Oops.
10. You went to the gym and forgot your clothes. So you went to work with your coat on - and nothing else.
11. You only read the headlines of articles so you can sound smart later.
12. That badass sports injury you had, was actually from jumping into a shallow pool.
13. Your boyfriend plays a sitar for you naked before you fall asleep. You in turn roll over and pretend to be sleeping to hide your disgust.
14. You were sleeping in your future mother-in-law's bed (long story) and you had to pee. So you did. In the bed. With her right next to you. In the middle of the night. She graciously changed the sheets and never spoke of it again...at least not to your face.
I think that's a good place to stop. Happy Sunday everyone!!
1. While at work, in the middle of the day, in the middle of your office, with your door open, you took off your bra.
2. You have had a gym membership for two years that you use once a month...for the sauna.
3. You got so drunk at *that* party that you used the window instead of the door. And got stuck.
4. You stalked your crush on Facebook for a solid month.
5. You sharted in your girlfriend's car. In the driver's seat.
6. You spent your working-at-home day tweeting/facebooking/blogging.
7. You only go to the gym so you can "accidently" run into the hot fitness trainer.
8. You only pretend to like yoga.
9. You spent an entire paycheck at Anthropologie. Oops.
10. You went to the gym and forgot your clothes. So you went to work with your coat on - and nothing else.
11. You only read the headlines of articles so you can sound smart later.
12. That badass sports injury you had, was actually from jumping into a shallow pool.
13. Your boyfriend plays a sitar for you naked before you fall asleep. You in turn roll over and pretend to be sleeping to hide your disgust.
14. You were sleeping in your future mother-in-law's bed (long story) and you had to pee. So you did. In the bed. With her right next to you. In the middle of the night. She graciously changed the sheets and never spoke of it again...at least not to your face.
I think that's a good place to stop. Happy Sunday everyone!!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
How to Fall In Love...Multiple Times
Falling in love is an art. Falling in love over and over is a skill. A skill in which I am quite accomplished. If you are already in love, with one person, and you have been for a significant amount of time, that's fine. Just stop reading - I have no idea how to relate to you.
To start, you must first begin by scoping out the scene. Find the cutest person in the room, and let the adventure begin!
1. Make sure that person is single. You may still fall in love with someone who is taken, you'll just have to be more discreet about it.
2. Make yourself known. Find a way to make them introduce themselves to you. Stand really close to them, talk to one of their friends, "accidentally" bump into them...these are all acceptable.
3. Once you have met, strike up a conversation. Any topic works for the first minute or so.
4. After the first minute, say something interesting - a little known fact perhaps. Based on their reaction, you will know if they are worth your time.
5. Do not exchange phone numbers. Too obvious and serious. You're not looking to get married.
6. To replace the phone, send them a Facebook message - something along the lines of "so nice to meet you!" This will force them to friend you. If they do not friend you, don't bother. They're boring. And clueless.
7. Once they friend you, you can stalk them as much as you want. Do not write on their wall, do not leave comments, do not "like" anything. Again, too obvious. You don't want them to know you're stalking. It will only make you look creepy. And you're not creepy; you're just curious.
8. If a few Facebook messages have been exchanged, feel free to give them your email. Let them know that you don't check your Facebook messages that often and email is best for you. From there you may exchange phone numbers. You must diversify modes of communication to keep things exciting!
9. Important: exchanging numbers is not for the sake of phone calls, but for texting. This is a big step. Once your first text is exchanged, the love will blossom.
10. After a few days of texting, the awkward phone calls may begin. You will then know that it is time to move on and find the next love of your life.
Upcoming: How to Avoid Embarrassing Blogs
To start, you must first begin by scoping out the scene. Find the cutest person in the room, and let the adventure begin!
1. Make sure that person is single. You may still fall in love with someone who is taken, you'll just have to be more discreet about it.
2. Make yourself known. Find a way to make them introduce themselves to you. Stand really close to them, talk to one of their friends, "accidentally" bump into them...these are all acceptable.
3. Once you have met, strike up a conversation. Any topic works for the first minute or so.
4. After the first minute, say something interesting - a little known fact perhaps. Based on their reaction, you will know if they are worth your time.
5. Do not exchange phone numbers. Too obvious and serious. You're not looking to get married.
6. To replace the phone, send them a Facebook message - something along the lines of "so nice to meet you!" This will force them to friend you. If they do not friend you, don't bother. They're boring. And clueless.
7. Once they friend you, you can stalk them as much as you want. Do not write on their wall, do not leave comments, do not "like" anything. Again, too obvious. You don't want them to know you're stalking. It will only make you look creepy. And you're not creepy; you're just curious.
8. If a few Facebook messages have been exchanged, feel free to give them your email. Let them know that you don't check your Facebook messages that often and email is best for you. From there you may exchange phone numbers. You must diversify modes of communication to keep things exciting!
9. Important: exchanging numbers is not for the sake of phone calls, but for texting. This is a big step. Once your first text is exchanged, the love will blossom.
10. After a few days of texting, the awkward phone calls may begin. You will then know that it is time to move on and find the next love of your life.
Upcoming: How to Avoid Embarrassing Blogs
Monday, January 10, 2011
How to Impress Your Boss
By this I don't mean your immediate boss, I mean any boss. This inclues "the" boss. Usually, there will be very few opportunities to interact with such an important person. Especially if you're such an unimportant person like myself. So I have a few ideas for all of you out there who need a leg up. Who want to make something of yourselves in this world...it goes something like this:
1. When your boss comes to ask you a question, shut the window where you were shoe shopping. If you forget, and she sees the shoes, deny deny deny. Feign ignorance as to how such an abomination made it onto your screen. Damn spam.
2. When you meet with your boss, do not ask her beforehand what her expectations are of such a meeting. Just go in blind believing that it will all work out. When she points out your incompetence, leave. Your ego will survive; just hope your job does.
3. When you must email her, email messages that are entirely too long and wordy. Because you need to sound smart and show off how many big words you know. Her response will inevitably "That's fine." She may even misspell your name if you're lucky.
4. Never ask your male boss whether you are a professional dresser or not. You will not like the answer.
5. Never begin a flirtation with any of your bosses. You will not like the outcome.
6. Do not ask for a raise. Especially if you're not qualified. That will not go well.
7. Do no insult a political figure that your boss happens to be friends with. Especially if you say this person (who is a woman) looks like a man to prove a point. Your point will be lost in the insult.
8. If an awkward silence comes up with a boss, just keep talking. Two things can happen: you somehow stumble out something that catches their interest, or they will just leave. Either is preferable to an awkward silence.
9. Most important of all: if your boss ever says anything that is 100% incorrect, just nod and smile.
Nod and smile.
1. When your boss comes to ask you a question, shut the window where you were shoe shopping. If you forget, and she sees the shoes, deny deny deny. Feign ignorance as to how such an abomination made it onto your screen. Damn spam.
2. When you meet with your boss, do not ask her beforehand what her expectations are of such a meeting. Just go in blind believing that it will all work out. When she points out your incompetence, leave. Your ego will survive; just hope your job does.
3. When you must email her, email messages that are entirely too long and wordy. Because you need to sound smart and show off how many big words you know. Her response will inevitably "That's fine." She may even misspell your name if you're lucky.
4. Never ask your male boss whether you are a professional dresser or not. You will not like the answer.
5. Never begin a flirtation with any of your bosses. You will not like the outcome.
6. Do not ask for a raise. Especially if you're not qualified. That will not go well.
7. Do no insult a political figure that your boss happens to be friends with. Especially if you say this person (who is a woman) looks like a man to prove a point. Your point will be lost in the insult.
8. If an awkward silence comes up with a boss, just keep talking. Two things can happen: you somehow stumble out something that catches their interest, or they will just leave. Either is preferable to an awkward silence.
9. Most important of all: if your boss ever says anything that is 100% incorrect, just nod and smile.
Nod and smile.
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