Hello All - After a nice 18 hour day of travel, I have arrived safely in AK. Being home reminds me of a few things: it's cold, my mom's cooking is amazing, and the people here are not interesting. What is interesting, however, are the things that could happen to a person while traveling. Good stories are essential in having an amazing travel experience. Of course, everyone needs a few tips on how to make the most of their time spent abroad...or, in certain cases, Alaska. Pretty much the same thing. This has been done in collaboration with a couple of friends. I have stolen nothing - their identities are revealed through names they themselves have chosen .
1. Two days before setting out for the unknown, lose your debit card. You will have no access to cash, and you will be have to be very creative with how you buy anything...including gas to get you to the airport.
2. Cancel your lost debit card (see above). Get someone to lend you some cash, and you're ready to head out! On your way to the airport, casually clean off your passenger seat (while paying attention to the road) - there is a good chance that as you're sorting through your things, you will find your lost debit card. In your moment of victory, you will realize this card is now useless. Because 12 hours ago you cancelled it.
3. When at the airport, give them a suitcase that is overweight. Then on to the awkward "reallocation" of items so that your handbag is far too heavy and your checked bag is exactly 50lbs. The most important part is that when you open your suitcase, your unmentionables should scatter everywhere for all frustrated passengers who have to wait for you to see. Ignore all giggles and pointing figures.
4. Do not pay attention to any signs ever, and leave when you're all checked in. When you hear the running footsteps behind you, stop. Someone is probably running after you to tell you that you left your suitcase! Give them a look of confusion. Then will point to a huge sign: Leave checked bags here. Return to even more outraged people who still had to wait for you, and take your suitcase to the correct drop-off location.
5. Let them scan your entire body. Right as they are scanning you, move your left foot. When they rescan you, move your left foot again. When they rescan you for the third time, don't move a muscle. When you come out of the scanner, they will still only pat down your left leg...little do they know that you probably hide all weapons in your right leg.
6. Go to a country where you are different and considered "evil looking." Maybe China. There is a good chance they will follow your every move, plant someone outside your apartment to watch you every day, and one day, will arrest you. They will take you to a sketchy place where a sketchy man will pull out a gargantuan folder of your life, and will question you. But no worries, after about 5 or 6 hours, someone is bound to come get you.
7. When in a country like China, go explore! Find a travel company that is willing to take you on a short roadtrip (that will become twice as long as it was supposed to be) and make sure there is NO gas along the way. Because some countries just run out of gas at inopportune moments. It happens. In all likelihood, the driver will not know what a GPS is, or a compass. So they will obviously let the stars guide their way. Until the clouds set in. Then you will be lost in the middle of Inner Mongolia. So, lost in no man's land. That is until the Mongolians on horses and motorcycles arrive hours later to rescue you.
8. Offered by M-Cat: When traveling to a foreign country (or Hawaii) with your boyfriend's family, go swimming and innocently get stuck in the current/waves. The water will be tossing you around so violently, you may lose your bathing suit. Instead of trying to keep from drowning, just make sure you hang on to your bathing suit as your boyfriend and his family worriedly look on. You will not die - maybe a little from embarrassment. To take away a little of that embarrassment, do not wear enough sunscreen that day. The next day you will wake up with blisters and boils all over your face from the sunburn. You won't even remember that you almost died naked in front of your boyfriend's 6 family members. (Shout out to P-Cat, M-Cat's mother. Your offspring is priceless. This story proves it. Thanks for the hard work, and for building a guest house so she can move home. She's really excited about it. Lots of love!)
9. Offered by M-Dawg: When studying abroad, find a cute local man who can show you around the city…strictly by motorcycle. He’ll tell you to meet him for tacos and the two of you will gallivant around day and night on your own little motorcycle escapade, regardless of the fact that it will probably lead to your termination from the program.
10. Offered by Ghost Writer: Traveling with your father guarantees you a good laugh and a wave of embarrassment. Especially on family vacays. While you sweat up a storm because you're bundled up in North Face jackets and snow boots ready to face the harsh winter, your father will overeagerly corral you into your seat. At this point, you will notice that the plane is filled with canoodling couples and college spring breakers decked out in cargo shorts and Teva sandals. At this moment, DO NOT speak up. It is not until the flight attendant closes the door and announces over the loudspeaker, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Delta flight 886 non-stop to Cancun, Mexico” that your father’s jaw will drop. He will then unbuckle his seatbelt and book it to the front of the plane, only to find out that the flight to Denver had already taken off. He will return to his seat and turning to you, will shrug his shoulders and, flashing you an embarrassed grin, say, “Guess we need to go shopping.”
You will know your trip has been successful if you return with a spoon carved from a single piece of wood. Which you carved and which you will proudly show to all who care. Well done, Hyme. If a large piece of wood is not available for spoon making, 10lbs of frozen salmon, and shrimp will also do.
Nowmi Joon signing off from the Last Frontier. Happy travels, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Teaser - Coming up: How to Have the Perfect Thanksgiving
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